In a world that seems to be more divided than ever, people are becoming discouraged and frustrated with the breakdown in communication.
Everyone wants to “talk some sense into those jerks.” You know, the ones that don’t agree with what seems so obvious. But, this arrogant attitude is ubiquitous on BOTH sides and both sides can’t be right. So which side is actually “the jerky side?”
I’ll give you a hint…
…it’s both.
If we can’t figure out a way to have meaningful communication, we all lose. Why is that? Because we always benefit from expanding our perspective. None of us are omniscient. I will spell that out…it means we don’t really know everything. This may be a shocking piece of information for some. We have been slowly brainwashed into thinking that because we have access to Google and other search engines, we must be experts on all things. But this is not logical.
We don’t need to spend time in our own echo chambers (ie, Facebook, polarized media channels, groups that tell us how right we are), preaching to the choir, smugly thinking we are so brilliant. Ask yourself if you REALLY value the truth or do you just want to win the argument?
Additionally, just like in the animal kingdom, back and forth sparring can actually strengthen the pool of ideas. We need to test our ideas because more than likely there are some blind spots we haven’t thought about. We are human after all. And that’s ok, as long as we realize we need each other.
Additionally, just like in the animal world, when opposing views get a chance to “duke it out” it can actually make the herd stronger.
We can access billions of bits of information but the importance of critical thinking and emotional intelligence is becoming more obvious with time. These are skills that need to be learned and practiced.
Critical thinking allows us to take information from dissenting or even contradictory sides and weigh the legitimacy of the source as well as the real-world impact of that information should it be true or false.
Emotional intelligence allows us to take that information and share and learn from others with humility and respect that allows for two-way communication.
We need to test our ideas with people that disagree with us because it’s more likely than not that there are some blind spots we haven’t thought about.
So if you are convinced of the importance of getting out of your own echo chamber and hearing others’ perspectives, maybe you are still a little hesitant for fear of getting into a nasty argument. There are skills you can utilize, almost like guardrails, that will keep you on track. Remember your goal is to have influence, not to “win” the argument. There is a difference.
If you have respectfully listened to their perspective, and they are rational, they will probably reciprocate the kindness.
5 STEPS TO HAVING MORE INFLUENCE IN YOUR CONVERSATIONS:
- LISTEN FIRST. Spend more time trying to understand why they think differently than you. Here is a great phrase to MEMORIZE… “I’ve never thought about it like that, what can you share with me that would help me understand your perspective?”
- TAKE TIME TO COLLECT YOUR THOUGHTS. You don’t have to respond right away. Maybe you can table the conversation and continue it later when you have done more research. If you already have information, ask if they are open to hearing your perspective. This is not optional. ASK FIRST before pontificating. If they say no, politely disengage. Defending, insulting, pouting WILL NOT help your cause. PERIOD. As my husband likes to say to our kids, “know how to read the room”. If people are not interested, just drop it. Be gracious, change the topic to something less charged.
- BUILD TRUST BY ACKNOWLEDGING WHEN YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW SOMETHING. This takes some humility. Humility is an amazingly underrated skill that can move mountains. It is disarming and that’s what you want when you are in an argument. It’s often the last thing people expect in a disagreement and it is shocking in a powerful way. Here’s an example of what you could say, “I’m not exactly sure on that point and accuracy is important to me so I will get back to you on that”.
- BE KIND. Remember, relationships are ALWAYS more important than winning an argument. RELATIONSHIP is how you influence. I know this is hard to keep at the forefront in the heat of a discussion but sometimes the best thing to do is to acknowledge it’s getting too emotionally charged. Remind them that you value the relationship too much to continue the conversation right now. Let people know that your motivation is love.
- ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT YOU DO HAVE IN COMMON. For example, with politics, “We both love this country and want the best for it even if we disagree on how to achieve that.” Or with Covid and Vaccine Mandates, “We both value our health and the wellbeing of our fellow citizens but disagree on how to go about reaching that goal”. By addressing what you do have in common, the differences may seem less “charged”. Then you can share the pros and cons of each perspective.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could come together to get the best out of both sides? When you can talk openly and feel like your ideas, as well as your opponent’s ideas, are respected, you may find that areas of agreement exist that you didn’t realize.
